Looking for Jose for Dummies 2.0

nobody told me that when you’re 9 and breaking the scales at 40 kilos, you’re not supposed to be proud that your mother is on a rampage feeding you one more pack of instant noodles than your every next classmate. to cut that run-on sentence in a few words, i was fat. while every teacher in the school thought of me as the healthiest, i was silently screaming in disagreement. i couldn’t run two steps without heaving and sweating like a pig, dammit.

and pig, i was called.

17 years later, i had to go to the gym.   

signed up at slimmer’s world and went everyday during my lunch time. distraction came in the form of rustom padilla working out a sweat on a stationary bike. aside from him and me, the place smelled of a geriatric ward. either that or sanitary napkins. most of the people who worked out there were octogenarians trying to ward off arthritis and women in their 40’s trying to save that marriage. surprisingly, the men who went there did not look gay. totally. the shower stalls were actual stalls with flimsy gay doors but they served the purpose. 

fast forward three years later and now waddling on the other side of the world, i took the courage (actually, on an impulse) to sign back in and get myself into shape. the place looked promising…hourly training with a well-meaning jock and state of the art machines that if given the proper combinations, could also fight mothra for you. there were also no mirrors to keep the scary bodybuilders away. bottled water’s for free. clean place. 

first night, i headed towards the locker room to change and nothing could have prepared me for the scene. in front of me were dicks of all shapes and sizes floating–or well, happily sashaying back and forth. some were hanging on to dear life, clutching at the bushes, some, limply pointing to the floor, slapping a pair of knees, while the rest were unbelievably unremarkable. i swear, i did not stare.

honestly, i never take showers there.

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*pic not mine. however, i think it’s a shot inside a gym here in holland where they prefer doing things a la nude.