Looking for Jose for Dummies 2.0

Yesterday, went to the American Book Center in Amsterdam despite feeling the onset of a nasty flu. Jos was there, after bribing him with a meal at this Japanese eat-all-you-can restaurant just across the bookstore. The occasion? David Sedaris was signing copies of his latest, “When You’re Engulfed in Flames”. 

Just before I left work to go to the bookstore, I told every person who could stand me, that I was going to a book-signing. A couple asked if I was the one who was going to sign books, and I had to smash their dreams (of having a famous colleague) with a simple, “no, silly” and a wink that spoke a lot.

I was prepared. I had my copy of the book (sorry ABC, got it from Selexyz) and a little camera for Jos to snap away at me and David for posterity–say I get uber-famous, David can say, “Oh, I had a picture with that guy. Thankfully, I had it framed!”. While waiting for him, Jos and I had to browse…bad idea of course, because I ended up buying from the bargain shelf.

As famous people would, David came 15 minutes late, just halfway through my nose clogging up from the flu and Jos fainting from hunger. There were two guys with him…one, a loud-mouthed fat guy who sounded American and another, who might as well have been just a figment of my imagination. As soon as David took his seat, the loud-mouthed fat guy who sounded American and had a hideous bag on screamed, NO CAMERAAAS PLEAAASE. David, fabulous as he was, added, “Guys, I am soo ooooooold!”. Note to David, you shouldn’t mind cameras just because you think you’re old. Take it from my grandfather who’s probably 456 years your senior. He doesn’t care. 

Was disappointed of course, but I approached his desk anyway. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Blaise…that’s B L A I S E”

“Okay…B L A I S and you said, E?”

“Yeah.” (Insert stupid smile here)

He started writing what was going to say, “Dear Blaise, you’re matchless.”

“So, Blaise, are you a tourist? Because tourists are one of a kind..”

“No, I work here already…I live here”

“Tourist? What’s your astrological sign?” In my head, I screamed, SHIT.

“Oh, I am an Aquarian.”

“But you could be a Taurus.”

“Okay.” (Around this part, I was starting to wonder whether I should show him my palms or not.)

“So, where are you originally from?” (I noticed a lisp.)

“I’m from the Philippines. I heard you were just there.”

“Yeah, I went to Wowowee. It was fun!” (The only way that program can be fun for me is if Willie Revillame disappears magically, never to be seen again.”

“Eh…”

“So are you a balikbayan, Blaise? What is a balikbayan?”

“Balikbayans are Filipinos who go back to the Philippines, usually for vacation.”

“Nice. It was fun while I was there. I also went to a cockfight!” He was beaming. 

“Am I going to read about those soon?”

“Yes!” 

At this point, I had to leave so the woman in ugly dreads could take her turn. I said goodbye and floated my way to the Japanese restaurant.